Tag: Relationships

  • Leo Babuata on Becoming Trustable

    Leo Babauta writes on Zen Habits on being trustable. I found the advice important enough in my relationship to reproduce th advice here in full.

    I’m going to give some of the key learnings here:

    • Do your best to practice keeping your word. That means when you say you’re going to do something, really commit to making that happen. Sometimes that means sacrificing some comfort to make it happen. But make it a top priority, and take it seriously.
    • When you can’t keep your word, own up to it. Let them know ahead of time if you’re not able to do it. If you messed up, take responsibility and apologize, and let them know what you’ll do going forward to avoid the same mistake repeating. Do what you need to do to fix things.
    • Breathe deeply and slow down. When we’re jumpy and anxious, they will feel it. When we stand solidly, breathe deeply, and go slower … they feel this as solidity and trustability. As with all of this, it’s a learning process — you’ll have moments of anxiety, but you can learn to breathe deeply even here. You’ll have moments of fidgetyness and jumpiness … but you can learn to slow down even here, with practice.
    • Create structure for yourself and them. When you are committed to making certain things happen (taking care of the car, getting the groceries, paying the bills) … it will help greatly to have structure, like a schedule with reminders. When will this get taken care of? You might alter the structure, but having a structure for you and those around you helps them to know that things are in order and will be taken care of. Practice creating structure for others when it would serve them (without forcing it on them) — offer a plan, a schedule, a clear decision, an agreement.
    • When they complain about something you haven’t done … listen. Hold space for their complaint, and instead of taking it personally, see if there’s some way you can help them. But listen first, and get them. Then see what you can do to make it right, to create structure so they can trust it will get done, to clean up any mess you’ve accidentally made. You don’t need to feel blame or shame, but just get them.
    • Take things seriously. But not too seriously! OK, it’s good to have a sense of humor … but if you dismiss their concerns, or say, “Yeah yeah don’t worry” … they will worry. They can’t trust that you’re going to do your best. Give it your all. Hear their concerns. Make it clear that you’re going to take care of it.
    • Take full responsibility. Especially when you want to blame them. Instead of pointing the finger … look at what you might have done to contribute to this, or to allow this situation to happen. Have you not been clear? Have you not created an agreement around this? Have you not been acknowledging them for how great they are? Have you not been taking care of things? When you think you shouldn’t have to take on responsibility — that’s when you can take on more.
    • Take care of yourself. If you can’t take care of yourself, how can you be trusted to take care of them? This means clean up your messes, put things in order, do some basic personal hygiene, take care of your emotions, give yourself rest when you’re feeling stressed or burned out. Being trustable doesn’t mean you have to take on so much that you’re overworked.
    • Always look for ways to be more trustable. Where have you dropped the ball? Is there something you could do to feel more solid to them? Where have you avoided taking on responsibility? Where have you let things lapse into a mess? This is a continual area of growth. You don’t have to be perfect, but you can continue to grow. For life.

  • 3 Things – Taking care of your mental health

    I wrote in the last post that I handled the information overload I faced by whittling down the sources of information. 3 Things from Indian Express is one of the podcast that I kept. I listened to Episode 851 – Taking care of your mental health. There was a previous episode that also spoke of taking care of your mental health. Both episodes begin by expressing that during a crisis feeling anxious is normal.

    These are my notes from the show. I suggest you listen to the show yourself as your takeaways may differ.

    The episode features an interview with Aakriti Joanna of Kaha Mind, an online counselling service provider. Neha Mathews is the interviewer.

    There are three areas they cover that was of interest to me – myself, relationships and work.

    Self

    Aakriti says that taking care of yourself first is the most important thing to do right now. We may be anxious about the future but there isn’t much we can do about it. The only thing we have control over is the present. For doing this, she first suggests maintaining healthy habits during the lockdown (waking up on time, exercising, staying hydrated etc.) that you may have had in the time before the lockdown. She suggests tracking where you are, having a basic to-do list and not comparing yourself with others.

    There are several challenges on social media and advertisements to make yourself better on social media and other online channels. Aakriti says that we are just doing our best to survive this crisis and not participating in any of these online social media challenges does not make us any worse.

    Relationships

    Aakriti says that we are currently spending an inordinate amount of time with someone (spouse, relative or friends) whom we may or may not like. This is not something that we are used to. To survive this phase, Aakriti suggests that the only key is open respectful communication. She suggests being open about letting the other people know when you are not feeling well. In case of fights, she suggests that we focus on finding solutions rather than winning the argument.

    In case friends are involved, Aakriti suggests checking in with them once in a while. She suggests we remain respectful about communication and don’t over do it.

    Different people are coping with the situation in different ways.

    Work

    Neha shares an important message that is being shared on social media now-a-days among people who are working from home.. “You are not working from home. You are at home during a crisis trying your best to work.”

    Aakriti adds that circumstances have changed a lot but expectations at work have not. People are trying to be as productive at work as they were when they travelled and went to a physical office. She suggests that our productivity during a crisis may suffer but the impact may change as per the nature of our work.

    Coping Mechanisms

    There are two sets of exercises that Aakriti suggests for creating an awareness of the present. She suggests that the present is the only thing we have control over. The exercises she suggests helps us come back to the present.

    The first exercise is a practice called Grounding. Aakriti suggests we do this with a practice called boxed breathing. The exercise can be done any time we feel anxious but also good to practice it before we go to sleep or after we wake up. The exercise involves counting to 4 while we breathe in, hold the breath and breathe out.

    The second exercise is the five senses exercise. She suggests a simplified form where we limit ourselves to observing using just one sense. For example, the smell of a scented candle or applying body lotion to sense how it feels on our skin. It could be anything related to sight, smell, taste, touch or hearing.

    Another practice that Aakriti suggests is gratitude. By this, Aakriti says, she means being grateful for the little things. She suggests that we don’t force ourselves to be grateful but observe the little things that we could be grateful for. She says that this practice leads to a sense of feeling connected to others.

    Counselling

    Neha ends the show by suggesting that taking counselling or therapy has become easier now-a-days with online counselling becoming available. Many such online platforms also accept pay-as-you-can offerings if you are not able to afford it. Aakriti says therapy can help anyone who is not able to perform their daily functions properly.