Category: Personal

Although, academically, I approached many people for help, where I really needed help was at the personal level. I tried to get that but failed. This happened, I theorized because of the difference in the way people viewed things.

My way of thinking is not really shared by many people. I viewed this failiure as a result of a string of internal failiures. Others viewed it as one failiure – academic.

So, I basically needed to introspect. And I discovered this fact about Bombay. You can’t go on these long introspective walks that you see in the movies. You do that in croweded places like local trains, public toilets and BEST buses.

Luckily for me, I was not thrown out of my house and I had the emptiness of my balcony to shut myself up in. I took Krishnamurti’s Commentaries on Living and the notebook that I later burned and wrote, copied and talked to myself.

The result was a change in my life without much external changes. I thought seeing sudden changes may lead my parents to believe that I am mentally disturbed.

But my father not having released his anger physically, began to quip on my uselessness and my inability of becoming an engineer. I would have preferred a few beatings. Physical strain is infinitely better than mental strain. Maybe, in his wisdom, he prefferred to give me that punishment.

I am sorry to say though that all this failiure did was replace one set of qualities with another. There was really no total revolution. enough for today. More later.

I feel that now is the right time to put on record my experience in the past one year at home.It is something that I am still recovering from but now is the right time.

I had not expected such a failiure to take place. So first, I believe, I was shocked to hear it over the telephone. I stayed in that state till I saw the results in person. India makes you pay dearly for your lack of academic excellence.

So, two things were certain. I had failed and had lost a year. Consequently many people have asked me about that performance. It is best described as a collective failiure. Since I destroyed all the stuff I wrote at that time, there is really no way to remember. Several small events triggered that avalanche.

This is perhaps the most difficult part. Informing your friends and family. I even contemplated suicide at this point but today I thank the crowded local trains of Mumbai. My long travel by train gave me time to think and I now even laugh at myself for having contemplated suicide.

No one really can explain the barrage of feelings, anger and frustration that you experience. You alone will experience it and there will be no support for you. Just more anger from your parents, friends etc. As they say, this is what they don’t teach at Harvard. No one will understand your experience.

I felt sorry for the people who were trying to be sympathetic. Sympathy is really not something that helps you in your hour of sorrow. I smiled to shield my real emotions which I penned down in a book, took it to a ground and burnt it.

No vegetarian diet, no meditation and no self-help books help. Only one question – what next? The way you answer that question largely determines where you end up.

Lessons
1. When someone is in sorrow, leave them alone. He will come to you if he needs your help. Else you’re just meddling in his business.
2. Nobody but you can help yourself.
3. Find a way to regularily release your anger – like an overhaul.

Lots to write. So, I’ll write this in parts.