Although, academically, I approached many people for help, where I really needed help was at the personal level. I tried to get that but failed. This happened, I theorized because of the difference in the way people viewed things.
My way of thinking is not really shared by many people. I viewed this failiure as a result of a string of internal failiures. Others viewed it as one failiure – academic.
So, I basically needed to introspect. And I discovered this fact about Bombay. You can’t go on these long introspective walks that you see in the movies. You do that in croweded places like local trains, public toilets and BEST buses.
Luckily for me, I was not thrown out of my house and I had the emptiness of my balcony to shut myself up in. I took Krishnamurti’s Commentaries on Living and the notebook that I later burned and wrote, copied and talked to myself.
The result was a change in my life without much external changes. I thought seeing sudden changes may lead my parents to believe that I am mentally disturbed.
But my father not having released his anger physically, began to quip on my uselessness and my inability of becoming an engineer. I would have preferred a few beatings. Physical strain is infinitely better than mental strain. Maybe, in his wisdom, he prefferred to give me that punishment.
I am sorry to say though that all this failiure did was replace one set of qualities with another. There was really no total revolution. enough for today. More later.