I have also had a love-hate relationship with music. Sometimes, literally. It was while learning music that I realized that I did not undergo a change usually available to boys. It left me with a lack of confidence in my voice.
The name of the change is violent. Breaking of the voice. My voice did not break, but my heart did. The first time that I remember.
While I forget the reason for joining the music class, I do remember why I kept going. I went to meet a girl. Most of our conversation was in innocent smiles. The love was never expressed. No words were exchanged. I would not classify it as romantic love. But, it was at a time when I was introduced to my hormones.
The love was shown in trying to match musical talent. The music teacher, who will soon turn villain in this story, was the judge. When either of us did well, he would speak words of encouragement. We would both smile to each other. He would make us sing once again in front of one or both of our mothers, who accompanied us to these classes. That was a special high.
My voice did not change. But, my music teacher thought that a change was coming and asked me to quit learning music. I moved to another music teacher and continued learning for another year. The shock of the request of my former teacher was such that I lost all love for music and in a couple of years, quit learning music.
It broke my heart to quit learning music. I feel I would be a totally different person today if I had continued learning music. But, later in life, this was an illustrative study in how deeply a teacher can affect the mind of a student.
The point of writing this post is not to blame the teacher, but to explain why I do not like my voice.
This loss of confidence in my own voice, led to me stop directing or playing a part in plays. This stopped me from volunteering to speak in elocutions, debates, presentations and speeches. This stopped me a few years ago from starting my own podcast. It stops me from speaking in Twitter Spaces or Clubhouse. This stops me from trying to put my voice in YouTube videos.
I speak only on occasions where the idea overpowers the voice.